The Universe Is Between Your Ears

Year: 2009

  • The “5 Years” Ends

    Today is the last day of the five year period I am going to forever call, “The 5 Years.” By New Year’s Day in 2004, it was pretty obvious my marriage was over. I had been and continued to go off the deep end and made most everything worse. By May of 2004, my business…

  • The Reason I Do It

    I hope the things I post here and on Twitter and Facebook don’t sound like whining or complaining or, God forbid, blaming anyone (even God) for my interesting situations. Everything that has happened has been a direct result of a choice I made. Even if I didn’t know exactly what would happen, I still decided…

  • I Love You Grandma and Grandpa!

    Thank you so much for thinking about me this Christmas. I was surprised when my boss handed me some mail (only Dad had the address) and very happy to find it was a card from you two. I hope you’re having some fun these days and that Grandpa’s bionic knees are being put to good…

  • What Men Think About

    I think about more than sex and food.(Click image for the larger version) In this image, always worthy of special mention, is Jennifer Aniston. The image on the computer screen is from Quake 3 by id Software. The car is a Corvette. Science fiction is represented by Star Trek with an image of Seven of…

  • I Love Binary Numbers!

    Most people haven’t thought very hard about numbers. I’ve always loved numbers. In the 5th grade, Mrs. Lamberson explained numbering systems to us. She informed us that the numbers we’re used to seeing are in the “base 10” numbering system. “Base” means the base of an exponential function. Each position in the number tells you…

  • CAPTCHA!

    You may not know what they’re called, but you’ve seen and had to solve a CAPTCHA. The word CAPTCHA stands for “Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart.” You see, some people like to write programs to automatically access services across the Internet that the operators of those services would rather…

  • Dear Fruit of the Loom

    Dear Fruit of the Loom, As you may have heard, I recently named Fruit of the Loom the official covering manufacturer for my stuff. Your lovely little pants keep my stuff contained and protected from the ravages of denim chafing, winter chilling, and the prying eyes of cougars. This letter concerns the pair of briefs…

  • Life in the Homeless Shelter, Final Episode

    Freedom! This is the sixth and final episode of my extremely popular sitcom, Life in the Homeless Shelter. Here are links to the others: Life in the Homeless ShelterLife in the Homeless Shelter, Part 2Life in the Homeless Shelter, Part 3Life in the Homeless Shelter, Part 4 Life in the Homeless Shelter, Part 5 This…

  • Quit-Smoking Update: Project Aborted

    My present for Christmas was to quit smoking. I returned that gift. I made it from 6:45am on Tuesday until 1:30pm on Wednesday. Pretty weak, right? What upsets me is that I’ve gone through all this stress over a really uninteresting drug which basically does nothing for me in the fun or quality of life…

  • I Quit Smoking

    On my 40th birthday, my present to me was that I started smoking. That was almost 18 months ago. My Christmas present to myself this year is to quit smoking. On my way to work this morning, I smoked half of my last cigarette and then threw it and my lighter away. Merry Christmas, me.…

  • You Are Blessed

    This is making its rounds mainly via email. Thanks, Dad.

  • Life in the Homeless Shelter, Part 5

    This is the fifth installment of my wildly popular sitcom, Life in the Homeless Shelter! Life in the Homeless Shelter Life in the Homeless Shelter, Part 2 Life in the Homeless Shelter, Part 3 Life in the Homeless Shelter, Part 4 Yesterday had to be the best day at the homeless shelter, yet. Remember Tim…

  • Life in the Homeless Shelter, Part 4

    This is the fourth installment of this series! Life in the Homeless Shelter Life in the Homeless Shelter, Part 2 Life in the Homeless Shelter, Part 3 There are some interesting developments at the Shelter, but first I must bring up something of extreme importance to me. My brown socks have disappeared. I can understand…

  • Killing Everyone on God’s Orders?

    There’s this book of books called The Bible. In it is the book of Joshua – the story of what happened to the Israelites after Joshua took over after Moses died (at a ripe, old age). The sixth chapter of Joshua tells a great story of faith in God – the destruction of Jericho, a…

  • Life in the Homeless Shelter, Part 3

    I’ve put up two posts about the shelter: Life in the Homeless Shelter and Life in the Homeless Shelter, Part 2. @Dogjustice asked on Twitter for an update. I am still living at the homeless shelter. Life continues as it has since I’ve gotten there (and probably as it has since the beginning of homeless…

  • You’re Really Cool

    I’m too self-obsessed, so instead of writing about me, I’m now going to write about you. I see you around town. I see you order your morning coffee. I see you enjoying your lunch. I see you playing with your kids. I see you walking your dog. I see you driving to the store. And,…

  • Happy Birthday Baby Girl

    Happy birthday! You’re turning 13 today and I couldn’t be prouder. When you were little, you loved to hear stories about when you were even littler. The day you were born, I got a call at work from your soon-to-be-mother. She said it was time and that she was going to take a shower. When…

  • I’m in the 7%

    [THIS WAS FORWARDED TO ME BY MY AUNT, WENDY. I’M POSTING IT HERE SO I CAN FORWARD IT TO MY 1440 FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER.] Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me… It is the most-requested column…

  • The Central Scrutinizer

    In 1983, I had made some friends online on local bulletin board systems. A bulletin board system was a computer connected to a phone line by a modem. You would sit down at your computer and have it dial directly to the BBS system and connect. You would be prompted for your username and password…

  • Woman #3 Makes Me Drive

    Believe it or not, I am licensed to drive by the State of Oklahoma. I’ve been licensed since I was 16 – for 25 years. My license still says I weigh 143 pounds, but that was my weight when I was 16. They always ask me if I want to change it, and I decline.…

  • Hello Little Man

    Little Man, I don’t know if you remember much about me. I am your father. We last saw each other at a gathering to celebrate your sister’s 9th birthday. It was at a pizza and game place. Your grandfather, my dad, and his wife treated us all to a great time. We ate some good…

  • Who is Jennifer Aniston?

    If you’ve seen more than four of my tweets then you have seen me mention Jennifer Aniston. This picture to the left is one of Jennifer Aniston. It’s used without permission. I’m sorry. Recently I’ve been analyzing my thoughts about Miss Aniston and trying to figure out why I have decided to like her. First…

  • “Inglorious Bastards” Made Me Cry?

    I just saw the 2009 movie by Quentin Tarantino called Inglorious Bastards (or “Inglourious Basterds”) and was taken aback by my reaction. Spoiler Alert: If you have not seen Inglorious Bastards and you’re planning to do so, then don’t read this yet. Please bookmark this page and return at your convenience. 🙂 The IMDB page…

  • Life in the Homeless Shelter, Part 2

    It’s been three weeks since I wrote the blog entry, Life in the Homeless Shelter. I think you deserve an update on what’s been happening. Dan the Canadian world traveler is still working at the grocery store. He enjoys his job because he has a chance to schmooze with the ladies. I have mentioned to…

  • Why I Don’t Get To See My Kids

    My daughter’s 13th birthday is coming up this month. The last time I got to see her and my son was at one of her 9th birthday events. My dad and his wife treated the kids, their mother, and I to a visit to a pizza and video game place in Tulsa. I was really…

  • When My Universe Ended

    A few years ago I discovered a way to go crazy. I don’t mean that I found a way to get really excited, I mean that I found a way to meditate on a version of reality I preferred and make it stick for a while. Whatever I made up become the truth and it…

  • Burger, Fries, and Coke just $26.79!

    I had a burger basket today in a diner. Yes, I asked for the mustard setup and not the mayonaise!! I’m a psycho, not a nut. What is a burger basket? It’s a burger and some fries, served in a basket. A basket is a plastic basket lined with some thin paper. The burger was…

  • Session State in Web Applications

    Your web browser does not maintain a connection to the server between page loads. When you go to a site, a new TCP connection is made to the web server to request the page. Once the page is sent, the server drops the connection. Then a new connection is made to the server for each…

  • Evolution Isn’t Enough

    I believe in evolution. I believe in gravity. I believe in God. The idea of evolution is that some individuals of a species find themselves with an advantage over their cousins and therefore live long enough to reproduce. Hopefully, some of the good stuff gets passed to their progeny and they find themselves with the…

  • A Half-Step Back

    I’m taking an anger management course. It’s been really good. I’ve learned a lot. Here’s what I’ve learned: (1) There’s nothing wrong with anger. Behaviors get me into trouble.(2) No one can make me angry. Getting angry is a choice.(3) Anger is a secondary emotion. Some other emotion always comes first, such as fear, or…

  • Life in the Homeless Shelter

    Dear God, thank you so much for the opportunity to stay at the Salvation Army. As you know, I’ve slept outside on several occasions and I’ve gone without food. These are inconveniences. Worse than going without creature comforts is going without human company. Please bless the people who stay at, manage, and support shelters like…

  • God Helps Find a Wallet

    A guy in the homeless shelter told a story this morning. He chalked his good fortune up to luck, but I don’t believe in luck, I believe in God. His story goes like this: Two days ago, he was riding his bicycle to the edge of town. When he got back, he noticed his wallet…

  • Exodus: Political Propaganda Supporting a Dictator?

    After some reading of Exodus (it’s a book in the Old Testament of the Bible) it dawned on me that it read like political propaganda in support of Moses, as if Moses was trying to maintain his power as a dictator. You should know that I am a fan of Jesus and really dislike the…

  • Problems with Blogger

    In case you haven’t noticed, I use Blogger for this blog. Blogger has some problems with both it’s new and old text editors. They both tend to mangle blog text. The newer editor is so bad, I won’t use it. If I use the older editor to edit a post, it frequently adds newlines (or…

  • Homeless, But Not Hopeless

    I’m homeless (again). This post must be made in the 36 minutes remaining on my library Internet reservation. That’s going to limit me to just a few carefully chosen words. I need to be careful and use this time (and your time wisely). Here’s an idea for a story for your kids. Tell the Three…

  • The Most Screwed Up Scam Email Ever

    Good Day My Dear Now we have arranged your payment of ($900.000.00) Nine hundred thousand united state dollars in atm card to be sent to you through western union money transfer payment: Yourpayment will sending to you by western union, the amount you will receive per day is $5,000, you will receive every two days…

  • Action Plan for Jesus

    How will you know if Jesus returns? Every search on every search engine on the Internet will show only one result no matter the search parameters:Jesus is Back, Come Say Howdy The Big Guy has returned and he has a special message for you. http://www.Jesus.God When you go there, you’ll see an embedded YouTube video…

  • 2974 Reasons To Remember September 11

    See this list built by CNN.com. On September 11th, 2001, I was getting ready for work, shaving, when my wife (now known as #1) came in and said there had been an accident in New York. I walked into the livingroom to see the TV and on the screen was a building on fire. I…

  • 1 Thing You Must Include In Your Blog About Blogging

    (1) Condescension – Nothing makes you feel better than implying other people are stupid. I know you’re an expert. Your blog told me.

  • Scary Dream I Had Tonight

    First there was Westworld. When I was little, one of the scariest movies I saw was Westworld. In Westworld, rich people pay to go to a park where they can experience the wild west back in the glorious days of shoot outs. By day, they wonder the streets and drink in saloons with robots who…

  • I Hate You, Life

    Life, I hate you. You can suck my balls. Life, if you do suck my balls, I’ll still hate you, but I will put an asterisk next to your name: Life* *Sucks my balls. Life, you’re just a standardized test, that goes on forever, which will never be scored. Life, being alive isn’t an opportunity,…

  • Another Thought

    My last post was missing an important element: Acknowledgement of the problems I caused you. I apologize for my behavior and I am sorry that I delayed realization of the home you wanted. I just told a little story about Trip to the Moon and remembered that you found a copy for me. That was…

  • I Had a Dream About You

    I rarely dream about you, but tonight I did. You and I went out on a date. We were going to see some show at the performing arts center. I picked you up. You looked nice. We made it to the theater, but I had left the tickets pinned to my bulletin board at work.…

  • Why do I have to use a strong password?

    Imagine a system like this: Joe’s BBS, type your password to login: taco Can you imagine? A system where you type in your password and then it compares what you type with everyone’s password and logs you in based on what you type? This actually used to be an option on the TBBS bulletin board…

  • Billions of You Now Know Me

    ** I wrote this last year.   Welcome. “What’s really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have broken it if I hadn’t said anything?” By now, billions of you know what I have been telling you is true. You may not know how you know it, but you know it…

  • JoeWantsJen

    I decided to continue my mission to meet Jennifer Aniston. I like Jennifer Aniston and I’m not going to apologize for it. Ok, I guess I have to admit that I like the image Jennifer Aniston emits. To find out if I really like her, I need to meet her. I am going to Tweet…

  • Mr. Eagle!

    When I was in the sixth grade I won my first elected office. Every sixth grade classroom nominated one boy and one girl for Mr. and Miss Eagle. Grades three through six would vote following a presentation where the candidates would make a speech. I knew that the sixth graders would all vote for the…

  • A Book?

    I’ve hinted on Twitter about some of the things I’ve done and been through. Some nice folks have been actually reading the stuff and even commented that I should write a book. And several even said they would BUY the book. I’ve been thinking for more than a year that I want to tell my…

  • Cathryn

    Chapter 5: Cathryn A note about my Mother and pink skies: No one made sunny days like my Mother, Cathryn. The skies were pink and the clouds were always the fluffy ones. The rain was always gentle. The air smelled sweet like honeysuckle and the bees always buzzed along without bothering you. You could play…

  • My First Encounter With Angels

    Facebook: Joseph Michael Winett In 2006 my girlfriend and I walked out of a Walmart and she was trying a bag of hot Cheetos and didn’t like them. I didn’t want them. She tried to give them to several people coming into the store. No one took them. She tried to give them to two…

  • New Fragrance for Women

    Yes, ladies, it smells like steak and goes on your skin. You’ll have them salivating for a piece of you. Not available in stores. Please visit follow @aBigHairySpider on Twitter for more. http://twitter.com/aBigHairySpider October 24th, 2010: HOLY FUCK!   What a terrible time I’m having.  Life is not fun… I don’t experience joy… My only…

  • 2010 Calendar

    2010 Calendar

    For a while now I’ve been producing art on my computer using a program called The Gimp, http://www.gimp.org/. It’s a bitmap editing tool with layer features, transforms, and filters. I’ve been looking for a way to make money with the art and it seems the best way to start is by selling a 2010 calendar.…