The iHeadCrusher

Kids in the Hall did this on television… from Canada I think.
Somehow Canadians appear on television in the United States
from time to time thanks to the magic of the
Canadian Electromagnetic Comedy Dissemination System
I don’t actually recognize this guy.
I did see Kids in the Hall perform a stage show in Houston
some years ago.  It was one of the greatest nights of my
life.  I was there with a number of people who now
will not speak to me.  I’m a winner and Head Crushing and
possibly-gay Canadians get the credit.  Being gay’s okay as
long as you’re really gay or you are female.  Of course,
I’m not as excited about real lesbians as I am about the
“I kissed a girl and I liked it,” crowd.  I can identify with
that for I too kissed a girl and found that I really liked it.
It was so pleasurable that I dare to mention it here today.
My usual response to “I kissed a girl and I liked it” is “no shit.”
I’m not sure why girls kiss us.  I think I’m cool, but I wouldn’t
kiss me in public.  I accidentally kissed my knee once and
was then renamed “The Stapler” by my wife.
Lesbians are okay, they’re just not into me so much and
I take it personally.  I don’t understand why homophobes in
movies beat up guys who accidentally hit on them.   This
practice doesn’t make any sense at all unless the gay
guy tattoos “I’m not a man because some guy wanted
to kiss me and I’m all about being a man who is not attractive
to other men.” on your forehead.  I’m not saying I support the idea
but it makes more sense to beat up lesbians for not
being into you than it does for beating up some
guy for being into you.  Of course, you can’t really
beat someone into liking you.  Shouting, “You’re going to
have fun, damnit,” never makes a good evening.  Oh wait,
I get it — you can beat someone OUT of being into you
in the same way that you can shout and suck all the
fun out of the evening.

Always popular with homophobic American children, Canadians made head crushing popular by throwing their kids into the hall.

You want to make a fortune?

Write iHeadCrusher for the iPhone and make a Droid version…

You point the camera at someone and then can use your little pinching gestures to shrink and crush their head.

The phone should then make a satisfying can crushing sound, play a recording of a Canadian saying “I’m crushing your head!,” or make a fart noise.

If it makes fart noises, you’re assured of making at least $40,000/mo from this thing.

That’s American dollars.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.