Dearest Little Man and Baby J,
I love you more than life itself and now that’s saying something because just 5 1/2 years after we last spoke I’ve learned to love my life and everything around me.
Loving everything is a skill I hope you’ve developed or soon will.
My best friend and I were talking this morning about our lives and the terrible things we had to go through and how going through those experiences broke us and made us each a better person and how that process would have taken a whole lifetime had it not been accomplished on level 11.
My babies, I do miss you and I wish this all could have been done without being isolated from you, but I now realize that had we not been separated you would have been exposed to me in my weaker moments and those displays of frustration and anger would have marked you in ways you would have been dealing with for the rest of your lives.
When you were babies, you witnessed me treating your mother with less respect and the loving care that she deserved. Your mom did the right thing when she kicked me out. I guarantee that she loved me and might not have done that if she wasn’t thinking about your welfare more than her own feelings. Everything was very tough on her, but she prevailed and has since built a stable, quiet life for you two, herself, and your new father. I appreciate her and him sincerely.
I apologize to you all for the stress I caused in your lives. Now that I’m Mr. New Joe, there won’t be any more trouble.
There is a court order preventing me from having any contact with you whatsoever until December 22, 2012. I suspect you have found this before then. Please do not try to contact me any sooner because I must not respond. I learned the hard way that these court orders should be obeyed and I am going to follow this one down to the letter.
If you want to tell me something, please call your grandfather and have him pass the message along.
If your grandfather is reading this, I hope he’ll take the opportunity to read it to you one day.
What am I like? I’m unlike anyone you’ve ever met or ever will. If you look closely enough, you’ll notice that no one is really like anyone else. People act like each other for reasons of comfort and convenience, but we’re all beautiful and unique. Don’t be afraid to act just like you really are in front of other people. Worrying whether someone will like you or not is not a good reason to live in a cage.
What am I like? Well, I’m incredibly gentle now and try to think first about others’ feelings before I open my mouth. I still say what’s on my mind when necessary, but I always try to state my ideas in a way that don’t threaten or harm.
What am I like? If someone does or says something that touches me where I hurt, I tell them how I feel before I try to defend myself in anger. This keeps me from spouting off and escalating a fight. This habit is so ingrained in me now that no one is ever able to say anything that would hurt me anyway.
 |
| I still have the t-shirt. Wow, I was so in love with your mother. You can’t imagine. I would have done anything to hang on to her. Unfortunately, I went the wrong route, because I was still a child inside, and did terrible things sometimes without thinking. I hurt her. Don’t hurt people like I did. I never will again. |
Your grandmother Cathe loved this sales training kit that was based on the idea of having skin 3-inches thick like a rhinoceros — an animal that can forge ahead, pushing trees aside, and never getting scratched.
My mom was in charge of coming up with the yearly slogans for our sales company. She chose Go For More in ’94 for 1994.
The sales kickoff meeting the year before was held in February 1993, before either of you were born. At that meeting in Kansas City, your mother and I announced to the family that we had eloped. That night, they took us out for a celebration at the famed Italian Gardens restaurant downtown. My Uncle Mike and Aunt Cindy knew the owners and they really showed us some hospitality.
The place has since closed after 78 years of business, but I tell you that night we lit it up. It was awesome — a word I use a lot, but this time it really sticks. I loved that night. I still think about it often.
Now, 18 years later, I’ve finally grown that 3-inch thick skin. I’m a happy rhino, well trained, with deep blue skin and a sparkle in my eyes. I know you see that sparkle in your grandfather’s eyes, and in Lu Anne’s. I hope you remember it from my mother. I hope you’re still seeing Grandpa Steve — he has it, too.
I also hope you see your great grandparents more often than not. Your GG always used to make me laugh when I was a kid. I got my sense of humor from her. Your GGrandpa has the EXACT same look in his eye that my mother had. Go visit them.
Take good care of yourself and have lots of fun. School is important, but also pay close attention to everything around you, from the way that person walks, to the shape of that doorknob. Check out the clouds and walk in the rain.
Play, play, play. We’ll see each other again, soon, one day.
I love you both!
Daddy.
Leave a Reply