Okay, this beautiful turkey bagel, sporting the aforementioned turkey, a little baby swiss, a little cream cheese, and wasabi horseradish, is nothing like the turkey bagels #1 makes, but it got me thinking.
I’ve said many times that I still love #1 — not in the romantic way, but in the personal, she’s really pretty cool way.
I know I seem very angry.
Anger is really a secondary emotion. It’s not what’s at the heart of the matter.
I’m hurt. It hurts my feelings that #1 would spend all those years with me and then decide I’m too psycho is even allow me to send a letter.
It makes me feel bad about myself.
I’m frustrated that I’m unable to have any contact with my kids.
Yes, I put everything in motion, but it’s also frustrating that everything was set in stone, with the court, and now everything has to wait another three years.
But I have to remind myself that when this whole process started that I vowed to let #1 make all the decisions about the kids. While I might have had some problems with the choices she made regarding her relationship with me, I never questioned that she is an excellent mother.
Let’s face it. The kids haven’t missed out on much in my life. In fact, if they would have been up on what was going on with me, it would have put them at unease, I think, because I was having so many problems and they couldn’t do anything to help. I might also have participated in conflict with their mother, and that’s never good.
I am going to assume, as I always do now, that everything is for the best.
But, #1: Your impression of me is quite old. In your head, I’m stuck in time… like I was years ago and that is just no longer me. By getting that order, you’ve put off any opportunity to evaluate me.
I know you’re angry about money and I don’t blame you. I assure you that the State of Oklahoma will collect every extra penny I have until you get your money. I suppose they could also put me in jail… then would they pay you $12 a day or something?? That might be an idea. If I can help you out by getting you $12/day by going to jail, perhaps that’s the way to go, but I think you’ll get your money sooner if I remain at large.
I still don’t understand why you think I’m around every corner waiting to get you. I’ve never pestered you, or stalked you.
Yes, in 1993 I held you against the wall by your neck while you yelled at me to kill you, but you’ll notice I didn’t… and I was quite excited to spend the night in jail… sleeping on a concrete floor… wishing I was man enough to piss into a steel toilet in front of my 40 cellies. Oh, I met a guy who did kill his girlfriend in that cell… well, innocent until proven guilty… he was eventually proven guilty. It was thrilling.
I’ve done some terrible things. I’ve broken things. I’ve been violent, but I think it was perfectly obvious I wasn’t ever going to physically hurt you.
I’ve talked about filing motions to modify that protective order, but I’m going to assume you’re truly afraid. I can’t imagine you’d go through all of this just because you’re angry (ok, I want to imagine it because the alternative is that you really think I’m out to get you).
So, since you’re truly afraid and since you would be compelled to blow money on an attorney to keep that order, I believe it would be a bad thing for you and the kids if I did anything legally.
You won’t be seeing me at the end of the order. You won’t receive any phone calls… or any emails.
I hope you don’t mind when the kids are adults if they spend a few Christmases with me, in Hawaii. 🙂
Love ya!!
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