No, I’m not going to put a picture of me running for President this year. In fact, this is the first presidential election since Election 2008 that I have not run for POTUS.
The State of the Union is good today.
Actually, the state is always good. I try to buck against boredom and hate life from time to time, but I take measures to get my thinking back in line with what’s going on under foot.
2012 is the year of cleaning things up.
By the end of the year, I will be divorced (from my second wife, to whom I was married and living with for a total of like 30 days way back at the end of 2007).
By the end of the year, I will not owe any past due child support (I no longer accrue current child support as the children were adopted by my ex-wife’s new husband — a decision I supported out of respect for him and the kids and my ex-wife). Plus, they were letting me out of piling up child support that, I’m sure, they thought they would never see and would have eventually landed me in jail. But, I always said that I would go with whatever the kids’ mother wanted for them, because I knew she wouldn’t make decisions for them out of malice, and I knew people were doubting my decision making, so it was worth a shot to let her make those decisions. She wanted it. I didn’t fight it. It’s done. It’s paperwork, history.
Also by the end of this year, I will have paid back court costs and fines associated with my guilty pleas to three misdemeanors in return for three years in the county poky (suspended). I am grateful to the county for not poking me into their poky for three long years. Wearing orange.
I HATE orange. I like oranges, but I don’t wear them.
When this protective order expires in December of 2012, I will not be rushing to call and contact the kids.
Any attempt at contact will be negotiated through Dad and Lu Anne and be made according to whatever comfort level is required by whomever cares.
The following questions are going to come up, so I’ll answer them now. This not a discussion and there will not be any negotiation.
Q: Are you, Joe, being treated by a physician for bipolar disorder or depression?
A: No.
Q: Are you, Joe, using any illegal drugs?
A: No.
Q: Are you, Joe, self medicating for depression by the use of DXM in a way that is not indicated by the instructions on the packaging of the products you buy?
A: Yes.
Q: Do you, Joe, ever DRIVE while under the influence of DXM?
A: I do not drive within 12 hours of taking a dose of DXM. Usually it’s much longer…
I do not maintain a level of DXM in my blood with maintenance doses. My pattern of usage is for a certain amount, at a certain time, and then repeated, and then let the level trail off. Actually, I believe the levels go down quite rapidly, but the effect I need to achieve lasts for many days after. But there is a regimen that I follow, that’s taken more than a decade to get down and no doctor could have helped me find any other solution. They’re not equipped and they are not allowed by their ethic to experiment on me.
Q: Do you, Joe, experience periods of what might be called “psychosis” or a release from the bounds of “reality” or completely responding to internal stimuli or thoughts?
A: Not anymore.
Any periods of what could be called “delusion” is during the first four or five hours after taking a dose and would be considered part of the “trip”. That part of the trip is usually only 30 minutes or so during what might be called a peak, but a DXM trip is nothing like how LSD trips have been described and, frankly, I don’t think anyone properly describes them and I doubt I will ever try.
In the past, I did cause breaks with reality that lasted for up to 14 days. Those breaks from reality also caused me to work delusional thoughts into my decision making processes and they took years to correct.
I’m now free of that noise. I’ve learned how I was causing it and I decided it was a bad idea.
Frankly, fantasy land doesn’t offer me anything new to learn. I proved to myself (to my truth detector) that what I was seeing was completely manufactured by me, for me, and for reasons. I learned the reasons and then learned that seeing what I want to see is really, really boring.
The things I say sometimes sounds a little hypomanic and they’re excited. I don’t let things get too wild.
The people I live with are in no way responsible for what I’m doing, but people are watching me. Wild isn’t acceptable around here and dangerous or damaging behavior isn’t tolerated at all here, in any amounts…
But, I’m not dangerous and I don’t ever do damage on purpose. They can tell you whether I’m doing any harm I don’t know about.
Q: Is this use of DXM dangerous to your long term health?
A: I don’t think so, but I don’t care. Certainly the condition of being depressed and anxious is dangerous to my long term health (in stress alone) and drugs prescribed by doctors are just shots in the dark (even though they think they know the long term impact on my health and THEY have decided it’s worth the risks). Using prescription drugs, I experienced all sorts of side effects, some very troubling, all inconvenient, and NEVER experienced any relief.
Q: Are you Jesus Christ, the second coming?
A: Absolutely not.
Q: Is your mission on Earth to convert people into thinking different things and following you and building big buildings and making lots of money and having lots of power?
A: Absolutely not. I’m like Dr. Seuss, except with computers and I don’t rhyme well. I still don’t know his real name or what he looked like. Cool, eh?
Q: Are you going to be President of the United States?
A: I seriously doubt it. I don’t think I would ever vote for myself, anyway.
Q: Are you secretly planning to make your way into the White House?
A: I’m going to visit. I think they’ll probably want to know when because I’ve called the Secret Service a couple of times.
Q: Will you ever call the Secret Service again?
A: Not unless ordered to do so.
Q: By whom?
A: The Secret Service.
Q: Why would they order you to call them?
A: I don’t know, you asked the silly question.
Q: Are you crazy?
A: I’ve never been crazy.
Q: Do you have bipolar disorder?
A: I do not.
Q: Do you suffer from depression?
A: I do get very, very depressed at times.
Q: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
A: I am not. People who see me every day can vouch for my sanity and recount my eccentricities.
Q: Are you or have you ever been a member of a love triangle?
A: No. Well, wait, yes, but not really like you’re thinking. No one is husband swapping me.
Q: Are you in a sexual or romantic relationship now?
A: No, and I haven’t been for a long, long time.
Q: Why did you ask yourself that?
A: I’m writing this for my ex-wife, and I know she doesn’t care, but I wanted to mention that for Rochelle.
Q: Who is Rochelle?
A: She’s mostly imaginary.
Q: Do you talk to imaginary people?
A: There’s no such thing as imaginary people. Everything you imagine is real.
Q: Did you say that so people will think you’re insane?
A: That’s the safest way to be.
Q: Stop it.
A: Was that a question?
Q: No?
A: Yes.
Here’s the back story for the “Are you Jesus…?” question and answer: No (paraphrase).
The first time I was admitted to the mental justice facility, the police officer wrote in his (or her?) affidavit that I said that I was “The Messiah.” What I said was, “I’m a messiah,” saying something that was to be parsed as “someone who will help a lot of people.”
But, I learned that people will hear what they expect to hear, no matter what you say. Speaking is not writing — and people even read what they think they saw on the paper, not what their eyes saw, so not even writing should be written like it’s supposed to be parsed out by a computer or a lawyer, or (God forbid) both.
Doctors are NO MORE CAREFUL in their listening, even if they’re trained psychiatrists in charge of working through the admission papers for a 72-hour hold. In fact, they too will write down, “thinks he is The Messiah” right after you just spent 15 minutes explaining the wording of “a messiah” and explaining in great detail that neither “a” is “the” nor is messiah capitalized, or (God forbid) both.
But, the Judge listened, and I will capitalize her title out of respect.
Thank you, Judge.
That is why I was not ordered to be held any longer after the doctors wanted to release me and I was not court ordered to maintain and adhere to a treatment plan with them. Not on any visit was I ordered by the Mental Justice Court to have to stay any longer than the doctor required and I was never ordered to establish, maintain to, or adhere to doctors orders.
I just stopped attending the publicly supported medication monitoring and prescription drug assistance as I moved out of town. I did not establish any treatment anywhere else.
I am MUCH better now that I have taken my care under my own responsibility, as everyone’s care always is, unless you’re locked up. 🙂
I love you.
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